This is my last full day of my Christmas break without my girls, as they are coming home tomorrow morning. I had a very long day yesterday which included lots of traveling to see my Granny who is in a nursing home and suffering from dementia (she had no clue who I was, but I was so happy to see her, even though it broke my heart to see her like that).
I also made a pit-stop to my parents, who were fighting like normal, and also why I have not had an overnight visit with them in over 3 years. They have been married over 51 years, but to keep a very long story short, my Mom has numerous issues that have alienated her 4 children, husband, and brother from her. Alcoholism plus mental illness does not a loving mother make. What is does make, however, is a Mother who sees no problem with calling her own children, and grandchildren, horrible names that I would not even think about typing out. And that’s just how she starts a visit off; then it goes downhill from there.
I got to spend some time with my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew as well as my aunt and uncle. My busy schedule limits my being able to make these road trips to visit, so I was grateful to be able to do so yesterday.
And now there is a storm bearing down on Michigan, and pretty much the entire Eastern side of the U.S. It is still only snow right now (I am in West Michigan, less than 10 minutes from Lake Michigan) but will be turning to rain and freezing rain, and doing that and snowing at least until next Friday.
So I got the groceries I needed before my girls come home, and I really need to get the Christmas tree taken down. I’m pretty sure that will not be happening today. Besides that, I have a couple book reviews to get written and posted, two books to finish, and a cat that is in desperate need of some serious ear scratching since I left him alone more in the past 24 hours than I have ever left him in the 7 months I have had him.
Are you in the line of some of this horrible weather moving across the country? How are you going to spend your time? Wishing you warmth and happiness whether you are going out to enjoy it, or staying in to avoid it!
…felt very nice! I have been trying to keep myself in a positive mood, but this freezing cold, no sunshine Michigan weather is really unbearable. I really do not know if it is the dreary weather, or true-full-fledged-100% depression that is smacking me upside the face without ceasing.
I really can’t figure it out. What was going on last year at this time that I was so happy about, that is not going on this year? Everything feels the same. It all looks the same. I feel like I have less going on this year than I did last December, but maybe I am wrong. Since my spirits were unbelievably on the ‘up’ side, maybe I was more busy last year, but I just didn’t notice.
I balanced my checkbook this afternoon when I got home from work. I will worry about the -$360.00 tomorrow. (I have the money in there, but I divide my check on a weekly basis per how much each bill needs for a 4 week month. This is necessary when living on one income with no child support). I have some utilities with a credit this month, so I will juggle the money around tomorrow to get out of the red 🙂
My homeschooler fell asleep this afternoon, so she is nowhere near where she should be for today’s assignments. Which means after I clean the kitchen from dinner, her and I get to spend the rest of our (MY) night doing homework.
My goal for December is to find a way to enjoy it. To get to Church as much as physically possible. To lose about 15 of the 30 lbs I stress-ate for the last 3 months. And to NOT drink. Sad to say, after doing so well for so long, I already know that will be tougher than everything else put together.
What is supposed to be the ‘most wonderful time of the year’, can really suck sometimes. And I know it is not that way just for me. So many have a difficult time during the Christmas season. Who thought up that shit-assed saying anyhow? Most wonderful time of the year…..
…I cannot help but question the means and manner I am likely to wish my December away as well; in a hurry for this Christmas season to just be done already, and a new year to begin. I am unsure what is different this year, compared to last year when I thoroughly enjoyed the entire Thanksgiving and Christmas season. I am sure there were days when I was not in the best of moods, but this complete blanket of the blues that I cannot get out from under is really wearing on me.
Some things I know that are not helping; the non-stop bickering of my children. Case in point; this is exactly what I have been listening to for the past hour: Erin and Cassidy are bickering over the most ridiculous crap that I would honestly just like to knock their noggins together and see if it brings some sense to them. Erin is yelling at Cassidy because she is playing Mario, and Erin does not want to listen to the music from the video game. She is also fighting with Cassidy because she is listening to music via headphones (that Erin cannot hear) and whenever Erin does 2 things at once, Cassidy yells at her.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What in the hokey hell is wrong with these two? Erin is pissed because Cassidy always gets her way, and is telling Cassidy she is an idiot. Cassidy is telling Erin she always gets her way, and to stop acting like a brat. I just let them both know if I hear one more word out of either of them, they will both go upstairs, to the bedroom they share, and they can stay in there for the entire day and fight it out amongst themselves.
So anyhow, back to me and this depression that has taken hold of me. There have been some life changes going on with me, and I am not quite sure how they could possibly be playing a role in me feeling as terrible as I do.
I got a new position at work that I signed a posting for. It took me off from third shift, and back to first shift. Definitely a bonus, but it involved a significant pay cut. I have also had several unexpected expenses come up, such as having my car go to the shop twice in two months. I also doubled my car payment and insurance prior to this pay cut, and have had to dig into my savings account much more than I ever wanted to. I have had other expenses happen as well, and to say I am stressing about Christmas gifts is truly an understatement. And no matter how many times I told my girls I took a pay cut, they do not seem to care one way or the other; it is non-stop “I want, I want, I want…”
My year + of sobriety hit the curb for a couple of weeks, but I am back on track. The 30+ lbs I initially lost when I quit drinking has slowly found its way back to me. I can admit that yes, I did get too thin, and needed to put about 10 lbs back on. Well, I indeed managed that. Along with another 20 lbs from stress eating that now has me not only depressed, but now feeling very unhealthy and uncomfortable.
I am tired. So very tired, all of the time. I am doing all of the housework, and yes, I have tried just leaving things until my girls can no longer stand it and they start helping. Other than their bedrooms and laundry, all of their other messes infringe on my living areas as well, and therefore my comfort levels. They will literally not empty the kitchen garbage, even if they throw something in there and it falls out on the floor because it is already overfilled. It does not bother them to live in a messy house. It absolutely drives me bonkers.
The only motivation I have as of late is to stay in my bedroom with my cat, my books, and Netflix to pass the time.
I certainly hope that the extra vitamins I bought yesterday, along with my Prozac and Xanax, bring about a quick change to my terrible sadness. I hate feeling like this, and really did not expect the long Michigan winter that began on Halloween to effect me so negatively this year, since it did not last year.
I am now more than ever relying on my faith,and making an effort to bury myself in reading the bible daily, and watching anything and everything that is inspirational and reminds me of how truly lucky and blessed I am, even if I am momentarily blue.
Please let it be momentarily!
…and my 16 year old just asked when I was going to cook dinner…….WTH. I am not eating it, I am dieting. The thought for her to cook it would never cross her mind, or any of the other girls’ for that matter.
…to things that instigate the crap out of me is a lot tougher than others make it look. Not replying to those “baiting” social network posts is sometimes a chore in and of itself. I can honestly say, if I were still drinking, I would have a lot fewer ‘friends’ on my social networking accounts. Because I would be saying exactly what I thought. Regretting it the next day, for sure, or whenever it was that I sobered up 🙂
There is a lot to be said for turning the other cheek. Even if it means allowing someone to do the proverbial ‘strike me in the other cheek’. I much prefer my life like this. Sober, Faithful to my religion, and tolerating of those who irritate me. Not very Christ-like, I am sure, but it is a work in progress.
I am a work in progress!
One day at a time is the way I choose to live, because I have no control over the day before or the day after today. I’ve learned (for the most part) to stop wasting my ‘today’ time on things out of my control.
Or maybe your children did. You know, those families that are just beautiful. Perfect hair, teeth, faces, bodies. Not that it is a bad thing. Some people win that lottery, some don’t. Some have natural beauty, some have to work a little harder at it.
But what about that other genetic lottery? You know; the illnesses, addictions, diseases, bad behaviors, and all those other things that every person dreads.
I do not look like either of my parents, or any of my 3 siblings. All 4 of my daughters have a strong resemblance to me. No one would ever ask any two or more of us who may be together if we are related. It is that obvious. I do not know where I got my green eyes from, I am the only one in my family with green eyes. I have 2 daughters with blue eyes, one with blue-green-indescribable colored eyes, and one with brown eyes. All of my girls got their eye colors from their father’s side.
What else was I blessed/cursed with? An incurable, genetic bladder disease (IC) that I have been dealing with for over 25 years. Anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I have stopped drinking alcohol because thanks to an alcoholic mother and father, and grandparents on both sides, I cannot just have a couple drinks. Oh, it always starts out as a couple drinks, but it never ends after a couple. A couple of drinks would never again be enough for me. I am unsure if I will get my Grandmother’s dementia, but I know my girls would make sure I had the best treatment possible if and when it got to that point.
I am very smart. Smart in the way that just comes easy to me. No clue on where that came from. No, I am not saying anyone in my family is not smart, it was just always easier for me. I am musically inclined, and can play 7 different musical instruments. No one in my family ever played or sang, but I have 2 daughters who are musically inclined.
But I worry about what else my daughters may get from me. Will they have addiction issues? Control issues? I have a 13 year old with depression and anger issues, and I wonder how much of that comes from me or her father. You just never know. Just because your parents are a certain way, does not mean you need to grow up and be like them. But you certainly want to be aware of the possible issues that go along with being their child.
So when you look at those people and think to yourself that they must have a perfect life, you need to remember that no one has a perfect life. Many people have issues or illnesses you will never see. So you may have gotten a couple doozies in the genetics pool, but I bet you got some good ones too!