addiction

All posts tagged addiction

Waking Up Angry at the World…

Published July 12, 2017 by Angela

…or at least, everything in my small section of the world. I have been sleeping like crap, which is to be expected at day 6 of my journey to health. Honestly, I have been sleeping like crap for about 15 years, but now it just pisses me off way more than usual.

I am in such a foul mood that I can barely stand myself 😦 How bad is that? I can’t pinpoint one thing that has brought this on, but it certainly seems like many tiny, tiny little issues are just fueling the fires.

If I did not have meetings this afternoon, I would be at home, locked in my bedroom, safe from losing it on some poor innocent, unwitting person. Like my kids…..

Good Grief tomorrow had better NOT be like this….

 

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Hello Monday; You Beautiful, Chaotic, Usually Most Hated Day of the Week!

Published July 10, 2017 by Angela

Day 4 is starting out good, considering I could not get to sleep last night, and did not want to get up this morning. I did so much yesterday, I feel like doing absolutely nothing today other than getting my work day done.

I have been going from having bursts of energy and feeling great, to flipping right to feeling depressed, angry, and wanting to do nothing but stay in bed all day. I am hoping as the days progress, and my body starts healing, this will happen less.

What I know more than anything is that I cannot have another setback. I do not ever want to feel like I felt two days ago. I keep going through this time-after-time, and I am truly and finally fed up with it. I know it will be tough, and a huge struggle, but I also know I can do this!

Patience meme

Patience is key. Patience is what I do not, and have never, had. This could be the toughest obstacle for me. I can get angry in the blink of an eye. I am not proud of it, but I certainly won’t sugar-coat it either.

angry meme

What do you do when you get fed up and prefer to not completely lose it on the person standing nearest to you?

Day Two Sucked…

Published July 9, 2017 by Angela

…so let’s see how day three goes. (so far so good, as I managed to get out of bed!) Yesterday I never got out of bed, except to of course get food/water, use the facilities, and I did make brownies for my girls. Boxed brownies, and if I hadn’t wanted some myself, that probably would not have happened either.

I watched a few seasons of Cheers, played Townsmen (I LOVE that game!) on my nook, and did a whole lot of nothing else.

Today I managed to hit the gym by 7:30 am for a 1/2 hour on the elliptical, went and got some pictures of some flowers at the school nearby, showered, and ordered groceries! I would say today has been a success, especially compared to yesterday…

Truth be told, I would love to climb into bed right now and stay there, but I do have an appointment this afternoon, so I am going to upload and edit my pictures, and do some much-needed cleaning.

I hope yesterday was the worst day I am going to have as I continue getting healthy, because it really, really sucked.

And here’s hoping that your Sunday is relaxing, calm, and everything you wish it to be!

My Own Personal Independence Day

Published July 7, 2017 by Angela

Lately it seems like for every step forward, I am taking 4 steps backwards. I really wish that was an exaggeration, but sadly, it isn’t. I feel like everything is spinning out of control, and I am not sure when it started, and how to stop it. I always have great intentions, and feel fantastic that I am going to get my life on track. Then by day 3, I am totally off the rails again.

I really need to ask myself “What do I really want to do with myself, and my life”…and then just do it! Could it really be a fear of change that has me stuck in this place I can’t escape? Now I’m not talking anything crazy like leaving my job I’ve had for over 20 years (and yes, I really do love me job!) or uprooting myself and my kids and moving somewhere else. But I have more than enough time in a day (especially since I only get a couple hours sleep a night) to do many other things. Finish that book I started writing? Creating a new painting? Take a class somewhere? The options, and opportunities, are endless. If only I would take them.

I have finally reached the end of the road for homeschooling, Thank Goodness! I have been living 6 months in my new home, with 3 of my girls, 3 cats, a hamster, a rabbit, and some fish. Things are really going good in almost every aspect of my life…except for my self-image, and how I am taking care of myself not taking very good care of myself.

I really am my own worst enemy, and it needs to stop, and it is going to stop today. Maybe tomorrow or the next day I will find the courage to discuss exactly how I let my life go off the rails, but for now I am completely convinced that this day, July 7, 2017, is going to be my personal Independence Day. Independence from the negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

PAOHS Quote 7-7-17

Barely Into Day 3 of 2015, and I’ve Lost My Motivation!

Published January 3, 2015 by Angela

This is my last full day of my Christmas break without my girls, as they are coming home tomorrow morning. I had a very long day yesterday which included lots of traveling to see my Granny who is in a nursing home and suffering from dementia (she had no clue who I was, but I was so happy to see her, even though it broke my heart to see her like that).

Christmas 2014 and Dads 1-2-2015 005

I also made a pit-stop to my parents, who were fighting like normal, and also why I have not had an overnight visit with them in over 3 years. They have been married over 51 years, but to keep a very long story short, my Mom has numerous issues that have alienated her 4 children, husband, and brother from her. Alcoholism plus mental illness does not a loving mother make. What is does make, however, is a Mother who sees no problem with calling her own children, and grandchildren, horrible names that I would not even think about typing out. And that’s just how she starts a visit off; then it goes downhill from there.

Christmas 2014 and Dads 1-2-2015 041

I got to spend some time with my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew as well as my aunt and uncle. My busy schedule limits my being able to make these road trips to visit, so I was grateful to be able to do so yesterday.

And now there is a storm bearing down on Michigan, and pretty much the entire Eastern side of the U.S. It is still only snow right now (I am in West Michigan, less than 10 minutes from Lake Michigan) but will be turning to rain and freezing rain, and doing that and snowing at least until next Friday.

So I got the groceries I needed before my girls come home, and I really need to get the Christmas tree taken down. I’m pretty sure that will not be happening today. Besides that, I have a couple book reviews to get written and posted, two books to finish, and a cat that is in desperate need of some serious ear scratching since I left him alone more in the past 24 hours than I have ever left him in the 7 months I have had him.

Benny Christmas Eve 12-24-2014 006

Are you in the line of some of this horrible weather moving across the country? How are you going to spend your time? Wishing you warmth and happiness whether you are going out to enjoy it, or staying in to avoid it!

The Genetic Lottery…Did You Win It?

Published October 27, 2014 by Angela

Or maybe your children did. You know, those families that are just beautiful. Perfect hair, teeth, faces, bodies. Not that it is a bad thing. Some people win that lottery, some don’t. Some have natural beauty, some have to work a little harder at it.

But what about that other genetic lottery? You know; the illnesses, addictions, diseases, bad behaviors, and all those other things that every person dreads.

I do not look like either of my parents, or any of my 3 siblings. All 4 of my daughters have a strong resemblance to me. No one would ever ask any two or more of us who may be together if we are related. It is that obvious. I do not know where I got my green eyes from, I am the only one in my family with green eyes. I have 2 daughters with blue eyes, one with blue-green-indescribable colored eyes, and one with brown eyes. All of my girls got their eye colors from their father’s side.

What else was I blessed/cursed with? An incurable, genetic bladder disease (IC) that I have been dealing with for over 25 years. Anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I have stopped drinking alcohol because thanks to an alcoholic mother and father, and grandparents on both sides, I cannot just have a couple drinks. Oh, it always starts out as a couple drinks, but it never ends after a couple. A couple of drinks would never again be enough for me. I am unsure if I will get my Grandmother’s dementia, but I know my girls would make sure I had the best treatment possible if and when it got to that point.

Alcohol Drinks

I am very smart. Smart in the way that just comes easy to me. No clue on where that came from. No, I am not saying anyone in my family is not smart, it was just always easier for me. I am musically inclined, and can play 7 different musical instruments. No one in my family ever played or sang, but I have 2 daughters who are musically inclined.

piano keys

But I worry about what else my daughters may get from me. Will they have addiction issues? Control issues? I have a 13 year old with depression and anger issues, and I wonder how much of that comes from me or her father. You just never know. Just because your parents are a certain way, does not mean you need to grow up and be like them. But you certainly want to be aware of the possible issues that go along with being their child.

So when you look at those people and think to yourself that they must have a perfect life, you need to remember that no one has a perfect life. Many people have issues or illnesses you will never see.  So you may have gotten a couple doozies in the genetics pool, but I bet you got some good ones too!