Enough is enough! 6 days of schools and businesses closed, 2 days back, and send the ice storm. No school today, and ice storm number 2 is coming tonight…so no school tomorrow.
I got a kid with serious cabin fever, and I just want to be able to get to work for the next few days 😦
Have you been in the Polar Vortex, and now the second storm that is coming through? How are you passing time?
It may sound like a weakness, but for me, it seems to be the strongest thing I can ever do. I also need to be clear that this is not “giving up”! I believe admitting defeat, and giving up, are two very different things. Only by admitting defeat can I begin to heal and fix the things that are wrong in my life. When I don’t face the fact that I am defeated, I keep behaving in the same manner as I have been, which gets me absolutely no where besides back in the same spot I was the day before.
If I were giving up, I would not even be trying. I am trying. I am trying with everything I have, but I also know I cannot do this alone. God is and will continue to walk this journey with me in my life. Communicating with friends and family members brings comfort to my anxious heart, and lets them know what I am experiencing.
I have to embrace the one-day-at-a-time mentality, and it has to begin today. As I stated in an earlier blog post, I am really good at saying…”tomorrow; I’ll start tomorrow”, and how I am going to run out of tomorrows. So now it is my today. This day. My tomorrow’s now will consist of both fantastic days, and very difficult days. I know this, expect this, and embrace it. I have to. If I want to move forward, and start living the wonderful, beautiful life that God put me here for, I have to, and will, accept the bad right along with the good. I have many dreams that I want to accomplish in my life, and only by healing myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually will I accomplish this.
Maybe soon I will be brave enough to discuss my demons as well 😊
Over the past month I have been rather successful using Weight Watchers to get my weight, and general well being, under control. My blood pressure has been an issue for about the last year, and a switch of medications seems to have helped. There were a couple weeks where it was consistently high, but eating mostly fresh fruits and vegetables and avoiding salt and processed foods has got it back under control. I have lost 11 lbs, and feel good about the 40-50 I have remaining to lose.
I have been taking many supplements along with the numerous prescriptions I take for depression, anxiety, and high blood pressure, and they have definitely improved my mood. Yet, I will have a day that just seems to go completely to shit right from the get-go, and then my attitude sucks, my mood is down, and I struggle to stay focused on being healthy and taking care of myself. Instead of focusing on how well I have been doing, and feeling, I can only focus on why my life seems to be shit at that very moment.
It amazes me how quickly I can disregard all of the positive, and put all that energy into focusing on that one day where things just refuse to fall into place, cooperate, and just basically go my way, even if it is only a tiny bit.
I guess this is where I really need to work on my gratitude. Normally when I wake up every morning (after not sleeping well, which is another problem I need to address), I thank God for giving me another day to be a good person, to watch for opportunities to help others, and be grateful for all of the blessings I have in my life. My four healthy daughters, a successful career, a nice home and car, a great church family, and a few close friends. I truly am blessed with all of the things I have in my life, and definitely need to keep better stock of that.
I also get motivated to keep writing two books I started, work on some craft projects for my Etsy store, make improvements in my house and yard, but the motivation I wake up with does not seem to last me through the day. I get brilliant ideas for something to make for my store, but then I never seem to finish the projects I start.
After a trip to the medi center last night because my heart would not stop racing for a half hour, and fearing a possible interaction with a medication and something I ate, I figured better safe than sorry. Everything checked out great, even my blood pressure and heart rate, and the EKG. Then I just had to wait for the anxiety and panic to go away, and I did get “some” sleep.
Today is the day where I have got to start working on keeping my attitude-of-gratitude with me from the time I wake until the time I go to bed. Are bad things going to happen, and things are going to go wrong? Hell, yes! That is a normal occurrence in my life. What I cannot do is let it take away my gratefulness and happiness. I gotta say “Screw it! So what! Shit happens!” I cannot let it determine and control how the rest of my day will go.
This will definitely be a tough task for me to learn and master, but after that scare last night, this has to happen now. I’m getting older, not younger, and need to remind myself that the time to do the things I want to do is NOW, not tomorrow or the next day.
I am excited about having a vacation day off from work today so I can go to an estate sale! I have a couple specific things in mind that I want from the photos I saw, and I hope no one else is looking for those same items! I will definitely be there early so I can get in the door as soon as they open, and can only hope for some success today 🙂
How do you deal with things when it just starts to go downhill like an out-of-control bike with no brakes on it?
Yeah; not. I was laughing as I wrote that just now. It has been quite some time since I have found any joy in being a parent. I am both physically and mentally exhausted from the daily arguments with my 13 year old about going to school. She is literally questioning me about why she cannot have a friend over today, yet her stomach hurts too bad to go to school? I’m not kidding; she has enough nerve to ask me something as crazy as that. I think I made it very clear that it will be Monday before she goes to her friends, her friends come over, or she has her phone.
Some days I seriously wonder how I ever made it this far. I am down to the last of four daughters, and this one may very well break me. I expected things to be so much more different than this. I was also the youngest of four children, and when I was the last one home, my Mom and I had a fantastic relationship. I don’t recall ever acting like this. Honestly if I had, I would not be here right now…
Do I love my daughter? Absolutely! My children are the most important things in my life, and I would do anything for any single one of them.
Do I love being a parent? Usually not. Does that make me a horrible person? Probably. Do I care? Not in the least. I have been raising daughters for 26 years, and most of that was done on my own. It has never been easy. Of course there are the moments of great joy and pride, and lots of them. But then there are days like today when I look at my 13 year old and can only think…”Did you seriously just ask me why your friend can’t come over when you are too sick to go to school?”
Who does that? She has nerve, I’ll definitely give her that. The wonderful moments certainly outweigh the crappy days like today, and that is what makes this journey worth it. If they didn’t, what would it all be for?
And this too shall pass…. 🙂
I had to laugh when a co-worker who follows my book blog asked why I have a blog titled “Parenthood and Other Horror Stories”.
Really?
I think it speaks for itself 🙂
I think it is about time I focus this blog on my single-mom-of-four-daughters-works-full+ time-helps-everyone-else thing I got going on.
One daughter is out of the nest, and another about to be gone this week. But I have extra kids here due to their personal situations, and am trying to take care of everyone. I know I am not the only one who lives this type of life; but starting tomorrow, I am going to start letting you know what a typical day for me is.
Buckle your seat belts folks, it is gonna be a bumpy ride!
HOLD ON!!!!
Day 4 is starting out good, considering I could not get to sleep last night, and did not want to get up this morning. I did so much yesterday, I feel like doing absolutely nothing today other than getting my work day done.
I have been going from having bursts of energy and feeling great, to flipping right to feeling depressed, angry, and wanting to do nothing but stay in bed all day. I am hoping as the days progress, and my body starts healing, this will happen less.
What I know more than anything is that I cannot have another setback. I do not ever want to feel like I felt two days ago. I keep going through this time-after-time, and I am truly and finally fed up with it. I know it will be tough, and a huge struggle, but I also know I can do this!
Patience is key. Patience is what I do not, and have never, had. This could be the toughest obstacle for me. I can get angry in the blink of an eye. I am not proud of it, but I certainly won’t sugar-coat it either.
What do you do when you get fed up and prefer to not completely lose it on the person standing nearest to you?
…which was yesterday…. YIKES… good grief I have got to be stronger, more patient, slow down, open my ears, and close my mouth. I am not trying to feel discouraged that day 2 was a total bust, and that I should just go back to Day 1. Lesson(s) learned.
So my Day 3 is going better, and I am hoping for a quiet, uneventful night at home after I get out of work. This should be fairly simple to accomplish, as I intend on getting dinner on the way home from work, and doing absolutely nothing else besides reading or crosswords.
From my morning reading of “Hands Free Life”, by Rachel Macy Stafford:
“The next time you yearn to fill the spaces of your life and be all there, try using the visual image of physically removing the heavy clock from around your neck. Feel the weight being lifted off your chest as you give yourself permission to be in one place and one place only. Remind yourself these are the spaces where real living occurs and you have every right to devote time and attention to the most important spaces of life” (Stafford, 2015, pg. 42).
I know I have a very difficult time relaxing, especially when I see things around me that need to be done. I feel guilty when I am doing “nothing”, and I need to start seeing my down-time as when I can relax, recharge, and get myself balanced. It is okay to not get everything done at once.
I am sure I will be telling myself this every day for a very, very long time until I master this one task that seems so easy, yet is so very hard for me.
This is my last full day of my Christmas break without my girls, as they are coming home tomorrow morning. I had a very long day yesterday which included lots of traveling to see my Granny who is in a nursing home and suffering from dementia (she had no clue who I was, but I was so happy to see her, even though it broke my heart to see her like that).
I also made a pit-stop to my parents, who were fighting like normal, and also why I have not had an overnight visit with them in over 3 years. They have been married over 51 years, but to keep a very long story short, my Mom has numerous issues that have alienated her 4 children, husband, and brother from her. Alcoholism plus mental illness does not a loving mother make. What is does make, however, is a Mother who sees no problem with calling her own children, and grandchildren, horrible names that I would not even think about typing out. And that’s just how she starts a visit off; then it goes downhill from there.
I got to spend some time with my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew as well as my aunt and uncle. My busy schedule limits my being able to make these road trips to visit, so I was grateful to be able to do so yesterday.
And now there is a storm bearing down on Michigan, and pretty much the entire Eastern side of the U.S. It is still only snow right now (I am in West Michigan, less than 10 minutes from Lake Michigan) but will be turning to rain and freezing rain, and doing that and snowing at least until next Friday.
So I got the groceries I needed before my girls come home, and I really need to get the Christmas tree taken down. I’m pretty sure that will not be happening today. Besides that, I have a couple book reviews to get written and posted, two books to finish, and a cat that is in desperate need of some serious ear scratching since I left him alone more in the past 24 hours than I have ever left him in the 7 months I have had him.
Are you in the line of some of this horrible weather moving across the country? How are you going to spend your time? Wishing you warmth and happiness whether you are going out to enjoy it, or staying in to avoid it!
…is all four of my daughters being in the same place at the same time. We all have such busy schedules that we literally have to schedule family time as well.
Autumn is looking beautiful in West Michigan, and I wish it would stay like this for the whole year.
Looking forward to a busy Monday off from work, thanks to an incompetent dentist and my crown falling off my tooth and out of my mouth yesterday. I really wish I could say this is the first time this ever happened, but it is not 😦
May your Monday be filled with Blessings and Sunshine!
Wolf Lake, Baldwin, Michigan
Because I won’t let you play a game on the laptop? Did you ever think that maybe I am mad at you for not doing any of your homework yesterday?
“But she got to have her turn on the computer yesterday!!!”
Me: “She went to school!!!”
And maybe I really didn’t feel like spending 3 hours reading a World History book to you when you could have had it done. Easily. But I did.
And why did I do it?
Yep! Because I love you 🙂
(Yes, she had no response to that. Sometimes I enjoy making a point a bit too much, but I think it got across to her). If homework gets done today, she gets the laptop tonight.
I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to be a non-issue for me today 🙂 I may get the hang of this homeschooling yet!
parenthoodandotherhorrorstories 