…after four days in the hospital I have now been home for 6 days. It has been going smoothly for the most part, except for Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday I had a slight breakdown and couldn’t stop crying. I’ve no idea what brought it on, but I got calmed down. Only to fall a little while later, which brought on breakdown # 2. I didn’t hurt my ankle at all, thank goodness, but I did pull some abdominal muscles. I was scared that I did something internally but iced it and it calmed down. Then Thursday I had another meltdown, which took awhile to get under control. When I left the hospital I was told to not take my daily meds until I talked to my doctor. Which means I have been off my Prozac for 6 days now, and am sure that is contributing to me being an emotional mess. I have a call in to my doctor to make sure I can start taking them again, but am still waiting for a call back.
My abdomen has been hurting all last night and this morning, and I am praying it does not get any worse before I get to the surgeons on Monday. If there is one thing I am good at, it is stressing myself out😔 Such as I have been stressing since I came home last Saturday about how I am safely going to get down the ramp my brother built to get to my appointment Monday. I do have a couple people lined up to be here along with my friend who is taking me, to make sure I safely get in the car.
I have been alone during the day while my 13 year old is at school, so I try to sleep to avoid needing to get up to use the bathroom more than is absolutely necessary. She has a half day today, as well as Monday and Tuesday. After my appointment Monday I will have a better idea of how my ankle is healing and will get confirmation that my abdomen is okay.
Puzzle books and documentaries have been getting me through, as well as a lot of conversations with God. I am so not used to being helpless like this, and when I get anxious prayer certainly helps calm me down. I have had friends bringing food as well as other things I need, and it amazes me the wonderful circle of friends I have.
My 13 year old has been beyond wonderful, and it brings tears to my eyes watching her be so caring of me and my needs. She messages me from school to see how I am doing as well as making sure I take my pills on time.
It is definitely the times of trials and hardships that you learn what you are made of!
I had to laugh when a co-worker who follows my book blog asked why I have a blog titled “Parenthood and Other Horror Stories”.
I think it speaks for itself 🙂
I think it is about time I focus this blog on my single-mom-of-four-daughters-works-full+ time-helps-everyone-else thing I got going on.
One daughter is out of the nest, and another about to be gone this week. But I have extra kids here due to their personal situations, and am trying to take care of everyone. I know I am not the only one who lives this type of life; but starting tomorrow, I am going to start letting you know what a typical day for me is.
Buckle your seat belts folks, it is gonna be a bumpy ride!
Day 4 is starting out good, considering I could not get to sleep last night, and did not want to get up this morning. I did so much yesterday, I feel like doing absolutely nothing today other than getting my work day done.
I have been going from having bursts of energy and feeling great, to flipping right to feeling depressed, angry, and wanting to do nothing but stay in bed all day. I am hoping as the days progress, and my body starts healing, this will happen less.
What I know more than anything is that I cannot have another setback. I do not ever want to feel like I felt two days ago. I keep going through this time-after-time, and I am truly and finally fed up with it. I know it will be tough, and a huge struggle, but I also know I can do this!
Patience is key. Patience is what I do not, and have never, had. This could be the toughest obstacle for me. I can get angry in the blink of an eye. I am not proud of it, but I certainly won’t sugar-coat it either.
What do you do when you get fed up and prefer to not completely lose it on the person standing nearest to you?
Lately it seems like for every step forward, I am taking 4 steps backwards. I really wish that was an exaggeration, but sadly, it isn’t. I feel like everything is spinning out of control, and I am not sure when it started, and how to stop it. I always have great intentions, and feel fantastic that I am going to get my life on track. Then by day 3, I am totally off the rails again.
I really need to ask myself “What do I really want to do with myself, and my life”…and then just do it! Could it really be a fear of change that has me stuck in this place I can’t escape? Now I’m not talking anything crazy like leaving my job I’ve had for over 20 years (and yes, I really do love me job!) or uprooting myself and my kids and moving somewhere else. But I have more than enough time in a day (especially since I only get a couple hours sleep a night) to do many other things. Finish that book I started writing? Creating a new painting? Take a class somewhere? The options, and opportunities, are endless. If only I would take them.
I have finally reached the end of the road for homeschooling, Thank Goodness! I have been living 6 months in my new home, with 3 of my girls, 3 cats, a hamster, a rabbit, and some fish. Things are really going good in almost every aspect of my life…except for my self-image, and how I am taking care of myself not taking very good care of myself.
I really am my own worst enemy, and it needs to stop, and it is going to stop today. Maybe tomorrow or the next day I will find the courage to discuss exactly how I let my life go off the rails, but for now I am completely convinced that this day, July 7, 2017, is going to be my personal Independence Day. Independence from the negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
I did not sleep very well last night, and woke up with a very sore back. But my cat alerted me to the 4 deer in our front yard, and it was a wonderful site to see at such an early hour. I am grateful I was awake for it.
I have been grumbling for 5 days about a flooded basement in my new home. It is time to realize my good fortune, and be grateful that I had the ability as a single parent to buy this house for my family.
I wake up most mornings wishing I could sleep a little longer, and not have to go to work. But I will always be grateful for the wonderful job I have had for over 20 years, that has done so much for me, and provided for my family. Many are struggling to find full time employment that will support themselves and their families.
I’ve been spending months complaining about the 50 lbs of weight I have managed to gain over the last two years; yet I make no conscious effort to change that. I have a rowing machine being delivered tomorrow, and am grateful that I am able to exercise and get myself feeling better, and healthier.
I am grateful to have the choice to choose healthy food for myself and my family, when so many have little to no food at all. My cure all for everything that ails me? Honey with the comb, which fits great in these tiny Ball jars to take to work!
I am grateful for so many things every single day; but it is not often enough that I take inventory of those things.
I am currently sitting at home, waiting for a plumber to show up and fix my flooded basement. Trying to keep it positive, but I had every intention of running some errands this afternoon, getting to church to help with the youth group, and going to the Lenten service.
It appears that none of this is going to happen……I have a sneaking suspicion of what it is going to cost to fix this mess; knowing what the issue is. At this point, I honestly do not care. I am tired of running into my basement every time someone turns on a faucet. I threw out so many books, pictures, clothes, and shoes that I cannot afford to do that one more time.
So for getting out of work early? Yay! The reason why? Boo.
Here is to tomorrow; but I will make the best of today, and unpack and clean as many things as I can!
…which was yesterday…. YIKES… good grief I have got to be stronger, more patient, slow down, open my ears, and close my mouth. I am not trying to feel discouraged that day 2 was a total bust, and that I should just go back to Day 1. Lesson(s) learned.
So my Day 3 is going better, and I am hoping for a quiet, uneventful night at home after I get out of work. This should be fairly simple to accomplish, as I intend on getting dinner on the way home from work, and doing absolutely nothing else besides reading or crosswords.
From my morning reading of “Hands Free Life”, by Rachel Macy Stafford:
“The next time you yearn to fill the spaces of your life and be all there, try using the visual image of physically removing the heavy clock from around your neck. Feel the weight being lifted off your chest as you give yourself permission to be in one place and one place only. Remind yourself these are the spaces where real living occurs and you have every right to devote time and attention to the most important spaces of life” (Stafford, 2015, pg. 42).
I know I have a very difficult time relaxing, especially when I see things around me that need to be done. I feel guilty when I am doing “nothing”, and I need to start seeing my down-time as when I can relax, recharge, and get myself balanced. It is okay to not get everything done at once.
I am sure I will be telling myself this every day for a very, very long time until I master this one task that seems so easy, yet is so very hard for me.
I have been dealing with some personal issues of a magnitude that even those closest to me are not aware of. While it is not my intention to disclose these issues even now; it is my intention to finally fully own them, face them, and conquer them.
My journey of raising daughters may be half over, but they will always be my daughters, no matter their stage in life. I also need to make sure I stop losing myself in the chaos and busyness of my life. I really do need to stop and smell the roses. Not occasionally when I make time; but to always make time to do just that.
As I am in the back seat of my vehicle with 3 of my girls, going to spend the day with the fourth, I am reading a book that I think will truly help me on this journey. It is called “Hands Free Life” by Rachel Macy Stafford, and looks like the perfect book to start this new chapter of my life with; pun intended 😉