relationships

All posts tagged relationships

Waking Up Angry at the World…

Published July 12, 2017 by Angela

…or at least, everything in my small section of the world. I have been sleeping like crap, which is to be expected at day 6 of my journey to health. Honestly, I have been sleeping like crap for about 15 years, but now it just pisses me off way more than usual.

I am in such a foul mood that I can barely stand myself 😦 How bad is that? I can’t pinpoint one thing that has brought this on, but it certainly seems like many tiny, tiny little issues are just fueling the fires.

If I did not have meetings this afternoon, I would be at home, locked in my bedroom, safe from losing it on some poor innocent, unwitting person. Like my kids…..

Good Grief tomorrow had better NOT be like this….

 

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My Own Personal Independence Day

Published July 7, 2017 by Angela

Lately it seems like for every step forward, I am taking 4 steps backwards. I really wish that was an exaggeration, but sadly, it isn’t. I feel like everything is spinning out of control, and I am not sure when it started, and how to stop it. I always have great intentions, and feel fantastic that I am going to get my life on track. Then by day 3, I am totally off the rails again.

I really need to ask myself “What do I really want to do with myself, and my life”…and then just do it! Could it really be a fear of change that has me stuck in this place I can’t escape? Now I’m not talking anything crazy like leaving my job I’ve had for over 20 years (and yes, I really do love me job!) or uprooting myself and my kids and moving somewhere else. But I have more than enough time in a day (especially since I only get a couple hours sleep a night) to do many other things. Finish that book I started writing? Creating a new painting? Take a class somewhere? The options, and opportunities, are endless. If only I would take them.

I have finally reached the end of the road for homeschooling, Thank Goodness! I have been living 6 months in my new home, with 3 of my girls, 3 cats, a hamster, a rabbit, and some fish. Things are really going good in almost every aspect of my life…except for my self-image, and how I am taking care of myself not taking very good care of myself.

I really am my own worst enemy, and it needs to stop, and it is going to stop today. Maybe tomorrow or the next day I will find the courage to discuss exactly how I let my life go off the rails, but for now I am completely convinced that this day, July 7, 2017, is going to be my personal Independence Day. Independence from the negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

PAOHS Quote 7-7-17

Never My Good Day…

Published March 26, 2017 by Angela

…Sundays, that is. This day more than the others has always been a struggle for me. I am seriously waiting for my laundry to get done so I can go back to bed for the day. 

I have been a roller coaster of emotions for the past week+, and once again am being sucked into the dark hole of depression.

The worst part? I have no one to blame but myself. I brought it on myself this time. Or I guess I should say; again.

I have this ridiculous ability to take the best things in life and make sure I destroy it.

Feeling dark today; hoping tomorrow brings a ray of sunshine; no matter how small and dim.

Wishing all of you, my friends, a Blessed, relaxing Sunday!

I Give Up! Tomorrow is Officially My Day One!

Published March 18, 2017 by Angela

Yes; I just threw in the towel. When it can all go wrong in one day; it will for me.

Tomorrow is a new day. And I am saying piss off to so many things in my life. Just done. So many people trying to break me; but you can’t.

No one knows what I am going through; yes, because I keep it to myself. So from here on out; positive posts. and the rest of you, go to hell. Judge me all you want, but I will still only return love.

 

If I Knew That Was All it Took, I Would Have Done it Sooner

Published May 22, 2015 by Angela

I should have done it sooner.

After surviving what was a very depressing, cold winter here in West Michigan, I was anxiously looking forward to Easter, and spring, a vacation to Illinois, and a summer full of plans.

And then life happened. Or I happened. I had a bad day. Okay; a really bad day. I yelled at my boyfriend of 8 years, and said some mean (although easily forgivable), things to him. Apparently that was all it took for him to call it quits.

Wait. WHAT?

Yes. Which leads me to believe he was looking for a reason to call it quits, and as weak as this one was, he jumped at it, snatched it up, and took off running.

So let me go back and explain some things about this 8 year relationship. It was a good relationship. We have probably had about 7 or 8 arguments in that time frame. Literally. We NEVER fought. There was nothing to fight about. We went out with friends, we stayed in, we went on trips, and we did family things with my girls. We had the same interests, but while his children were adults, mine were still young.

And he already raised his kids. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I heard that…”I already raised my kids, I don’t want to do it again.”

Anyone who ever says that to me again will regret it. Instantly, and painfully so.

And I accepted it. I told myself; “It’s okay, you can raise these girls alone, without a father figure in the home, or in their life. When they grow up and move out, then we can get married.”

Yes, I am was that girl.

We took a break a couple years ago. Well, let’s be honest here: he had a lot of things going on in his life, and just kept pulling further and further away from me. He needed time. I could not stand being ignored, pushed away, and left out of the things he was doing. I was officially single.

I got a boyfriend. He was furious and would not acknowledge me when he saw me.

Wait. WHAT?

This is what he wanted. He needed time, he didn’t need a girlfriend. Anyhow…we ended up back together, and it was better than ever. He realized what he had lost when he pushed me away, and he did not ever want to feel that way again. We went out with friends, we stayed in, we went on trips, and we did family things with my girls. Just like before.

We discussed marriage. He was going to get me a ring. Once I had one or two more girls off to college, we would live together. I am not the type of person who now had to bring this up every day. We talked about it on occasion, both comfortable that we wanted the same things.

Although he never knew, and likely never will, I had it in the back of my mind that if he had not given me a ring by December 31, 2015, I was ending the relationship. Because I figured after that, all I could expect was a different set of conditions. ‘Your kids are grown and gone, but now I want to spend time with my grandkids, and you don’t have any of your own.”

Yes; he could have said that without even blinking an eye, and I would not have blinked an eye that he had the nerve to say it.

Harsh? I do not think so. I think 8 years is more than enough time to wait for him to make a real commitment to me that he did indeed want to spend the rest of his life with me.

Anyone who feels the need to think that it was all about the ring; forget it. I can buy my own ring. I take care of my girls without any child support or help from the state. I do not need a man to take care of me. I want a man to share my life with, period. Not their house, their money, or their vehicles. I have all of those things already Thank-You-Very-Much.

So now I have been single for over a month, and am still angry that I never really had the chance to tell him all of these things. I feel like he ran as soon as he saw an opportunity, and I never meant enough to him to even be allowed to have a bad day. I did not get the closure I feel I needed. He is still a great guy, we just want different things. I would only wish the very best for him, but more than that, I need to make sure I have the very best for me. I do not hate him, and I do not wish him ill. It takes as much energy to be angry at or hate someone as it does to love them. Probably more, actually.

If he could not handle me on my worst day, he will never get to enjoy me on my best day.

I have a lot to offer someone, and I know that God will put the right person in my life at the right time. Patience is a virtue, and I am willing to wait for that best relationship ever!