depression

All posts in the depression category

What a Year It Has Been

Published January 17, 2019 by Angela

Yes; that sounds strange being that it is only the 3rd week into the year 2019. I am referring to what was a year ago today that I slipped down my icy front steps and broke my right ankle in 3 places; left side, back, right side, or as the surgeon said, I managed the trifecta of all possible breaks.

something seems off here……..

What followed was 11 weeks of pain, panic, anxiety, depression, and devastation. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it was that much of a horrible experience. The rest of the year didn’t fare much better, to be honest.

I was basically bedridden for 11 weeks, leaving the house only for doctor’s appointments 3 different times, and when I was mostly healed, two trips out with my kids for fresh air, food, and a feeling of normalcy. I probably went back to work sooner than I should have, still severely limping, but I could not bear one more day in my house; my bedroom; alone while kids were at school; fighting panic attacks.

I knew this happened to me for a reason, and I was determined to learn from this. I returned to work, and life returned to what it had been before; not terrible by any means, but certainly not fantastic either. I still didn’t fully appreciate how lucky I was (still am!) to have a great job, a house to live in, food to eat, health insurance, and four wonderful daughters. I am truly Blessed with everything I have in my life, and I am focusing on appreciating this fact.

So 2019 has some old challenges, and as I conquer them, new ones will appear. I need to get healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am still focused on one-day-at-a-time, while knowing what my end goals are for the year, and further beyond.

I cannot wait for the first update on this latest journey for me!

Turning One Day into Day One…

Published January 11, 2019 by Angela

…sounds pretty simple, yes? Apparently not for me. I am the Queen of excuses, the Ruler of Starting Tomorrows, and the Mother of Procrastination. I have an excuse for everything, most times two. There is always a good reason to start tomorrow. And we all know tomorrow never comes.

But today is here, and I am blessed and grateful to have it. It is a gift; and it is a gift I will not waste. I will do something positive for someone else today. I will do something positive for me. I will thank God throughout the day for giving me this day.

Focusing on the positives I have in my life, and I have so very many, may be just what I need to keep the anxiety and panic attacks at bay. That means I have to choose to not get angry about things outside of my control, or get frustrated with the people around me. That means choosing to be a better me. Which is completely in my control. I choose to be happy today. I choose to be grateful today. I choose to live this day to the fullest. Do you have goals for your day? May it be full of your greatest blessings!

Resolutions for the New Year

Published January 10, 2019 by Angela

Yes, I am a bit late with my resolutions, but I also find too much pressure with keeping resolutions that I set for January 1st. So I need to get into the rhythm of a normal schedule after many days off from work over the holidays, and then I can focus on what I need to fix.


@booksandopinions, llc

And boy, do I need to fix a LOT of things… 2018 was a very difficult year for me, on many fronts. I was certainly grateful to put it behind me, but now my 2019 is not starting off on the strong front I was hoping for. But that does not mean that starting today it can’t.

My anxiety has been absolutely horrible, and every day is a battle to not have a panic attack. The depression is just as bad, and with the long, cold, sunless Michigan days that we have for 4 months straight, I have no desire or motivation to do anything.

@booksandopinions, llc

I have to change my daily routine after work. I need to get out of the house, go to the gym, somewhere outdoors when the weather allows; anything but sit in the house. Thinking. Thinking about what I should be doing with my life, instead of actually doing it.

Things have to change; I fear my life depends on it. It very well might. I will get through these first couple of hurdles, and then next up will be talking through the other big issues affecting my life.

When I spend time in my Bible, I feel calm, peaceful, safe. It is a wonderful place to be.

Until next time…….Blessings for you and yours, make this year your best. This is going to be Day One, no more One Day.


@booksandopinions, llc

Pere Marquette Beach Sunset…

Published October 22, 2018 by Angela

…October 17, 2018; Lake Michigan.

DSC_0062

As much as I complain about Michigan, and it is a lot, I am lucky to live less than 10 minutes from this beautiful lake. There are so many wonderful parks around us, and my girls and I spend a lot of time at them. The leaves are pretty much completely changed and already falling off the trees; this is not the long Autumn season I was hoping for. I am absolutely dreading Winter, especially after the triple ankle break in January and 11 weeks trapped in my house 😦 If you did not have the pleasure of seeing that horrible image, you can check out the post here: Well Doesn’t This Just Suck…

I am getting an opener put on my garage door today, and still have to buy a snowblower. I have not gotten my front steps fixed that I slipped down, but everyone knows to not use my front door.

So on a happier note, here are some sunset pictures. Up next; what has been going on with me and my 2 youngest daughters; the 14 year old the only one at home and pushing all my buttons 🙂

 

Admitting Defeat: The First Step to Winning My Life Back!

Published September 18, 2018 by Angela

It may sound like a weakness, but for me, it seems to be the strongest thing I can ever do. I also need to be clear that this is not “giving up”! I believe admitting defeat, and giving up, are two very different things. Only by admitting defeat can I begin to heal and fix the things that are wrong in my life. When I don’t face the fact that I am defeated, I keep behaving in the same manner as I have been, which gets me absolutely no where besides back in the same spot I was the day before.

If I were giving up, I would not even be trying. I am trying. I am trying with everything I have, but I also know I cannot do this alone. God is and will continue to walk this journey with me in my life. Communicating with friends and family members brings comfort to my anxious heart, and lets them know what I am experiencing.

I have to embrace the one-day-at-a-time mentality, and it has to begin today. As I stated in an earlier blog post, I am really good at saying…”tomorrow; I’ll start tomorrow”, and how I am going to run out of tomorrows. So now it is my today. This day. My tomorrow’s now will consist of both fantastic days, and very difficult days. I know this, expect this, and embrace it. I have to. If I want to move forward, and start living the wonderful, beautiful life that God put me here for, I have to, and will, accept the bad right along with the good. I have many dreams that I want to accomplish in my life, and only by healing myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually will I accomplish this.

Maybe soon I will be brave enough to discuss my demons as well 😊

Managing Anxiety On The Inside…

Published September 7, 2018 by Angela

…and looking like I have it together on the outside. It seems to be how I have been living my life as of late. Although it works, it is certainly not ideal. While I am one to keep my business to myself (well, except for blogging about it LOL!), it can be important that others recognize I have anxiety. How do I know if they are wondering why I am being exceptionally quiet, or seem especially stressed out? I have had people ask me if I am doing okay when I am being very quiet. So they see it. Everyone sees it.

It is not that I am hiding it, or embarrassed, or ashamed; I just have always been a very private person. Talking helps. I know it helps immediately alleviate the anxiety for me, because when I am communicating, I don’t have time to focus on the anxiety.

Anxiety Meme

courtesy of Meme.xyz 

All four of my daughters have inherited my anxiety issues. It is a difficult thing to watch them go through, but it also makes me more determined to find good ways to manage it, so I can lead by setting a good example. I need to learn to focus on all of the things in my life I have been blessed with, and there are so very many, and stop putting all of my attention on the things that aren’t so good.

I need to manage my self-care better, and eat the right foods, and take my supplements, and get moving more! This is where I always say…I’ll start tomorrow… knowing tomorrow never gets here. I will run out of tomorrows, so it has got to be TODAY!

Easy to say, and hard to do! I absolutely take it one-day-at-a-time! Sometimes, it is an hour at a time.

What are your go-to tricks to calm your anxiety when it hits you out of the blue? Do you have something that works every single time, or is it hit-and-miss?

 

Taking Back My Life – I Hope

Published August 15, 2018 by Angela

Things have been getting seriously out of control for me lately. Not with my job, or my kids, or anything of that sort, but seriously just with myself. I feel like I am fighting a daily battle that I cannot seem to win.

The anxiety is literally crushing me right now, and I have to find better ways to cope with it. I follow several blogs that deal with depression and anxiety, which is very helpful. It helps calm me down when I can breathe for a second and realize that I am not the only one who deals with these types of things. It may be time to find a support group in my town though.

Stressed Meme 1

I tend to avoid books on the matter because for whatever the reason may be, it seems to trigger my anxiety when I read books on it. I have been listening to Steven Furtick’s new sermon series, “Triggered: Taking back your mind in the age of anxiety”. I quite often turn to Steven Furtick as his sermons are fantastic! He is down to earth, and relatable.

I need to spend more time in my Bible, and less time on my phone. More time focusing on the many positive things in my life, and no time focusing on the things that may not have went the way I wanted or needed them to. I waste so much time and energy on regret, when I should be spending it on living full of gratefulness. I really have been blessed with many things in my life, and yet depression and anxiety have come to live with me.

Have you found a successful way to handle, control, or cure your panic attacks? I would love to hear about them!

 

Between the Good Days and Bad Days

Published June 22, 2018 by Angela

Over the past month I have been rather successful using Weight Watchers to get my weight, and general well being, under control. My blood pressure has been an issue for about the last year, and a switch of medications seems to have helped. There were a couple weeks where it was consistently high, but eating mostly fresh fruits and vegetables and avoiding salt and processed foods has got it back under control. I have lost 11 lbs, and feel good about the 40-50 I have remaining to lose.

frazzled mom

 

I have been taking many supplements along with the numerous prescriptions I take for depression, anxiety, and high blood pressure, and they have definitely improved my mood. Yet, I will have a day that just seems to go completely to shit right from the get-go, and then my attitude sucks, my mood is down, and I struggle to stay focused on being healthy and taking care of myself. Instead of focusing on how well I have been doing, and feeling, I can only focus on why my life seems to be shit at that very moment.

It amazes me how quickly I can disregard all of the positive, and put all that energy into focusing on that one day where things just refuse to fall into place, cooperate, and just basically go my way, even if it is only a tiny bit.

Patience meme

I guess this is where I really need to work on my gratitude. Normally when I wake up every morning (after not sleeping well, which is another problem I need to address), I thank God for giving me another day to be a good person, to watch for opportunities to help others, and be grateful for all of the blessings I have in my life. My four healthy daughters, a successful career, a nice home and car, a great church family, and a few close friends. I truly am blessed with all of the things I have in my life, and definitely need to keep better stock of that.

I also get motivated to keep writing two books I started, work on some craft projects for my Etsy store, make improvements in my house and yard, but the motivation I wake up with does not seem to last me through the day. I get brilliant ideas for something to make for my store, but then I never seem to finish the projects I start.

After a trip to the medi center last night because my heart would not stop racing for a half hour, and fearing a possible interaction with a medication and something I ate, I figured better safe than sorry. Everything checked out great, even my blood pressure and heart rate, and the EKG. Then I just had to wait for the anxiety and panic to go away, and I did get “some” sleep.

Today is the day where I have got to start working on keeping my attitude-of-gratitude with me from the time I wake until the time I go to bed. Are bad things going to happen, and things are going to go wrong? Hell, yes! That is a normal occurrence in my life. What I cannot do is let it take away my gratefulness and happiness. I gotta say “Screw it! So what! Shit happens!” I cannot let it determine and control how the rest of my day will go.

This will definitely be a tough task for me to learn and master, but after that scare last night, this has to happen now. I’m getting older, not younger, and need to remind myself that the time to do the things I want to do is NOW, not tomorrow or the next day.

I am excited about having a vacation day off from work today so I can go to an estate sale! I have a couple specific things in mind that I want from the photos I saw, and I hope no one else is looking for those same items! I will definitely be there early so I can get in the door as soon as they open, and can only hope for some success today 🙂

How do you deal with things when it just starts to go downhill like an out-of-control bike with no brakes on it?

I don’t Know What the Hell I Expected…

Published November 15, 2017 by Angela

…eventually going to bed at 3:30 pm in the afternoon will have me waking up for my day before 1 am… still not sorry though

Monday I went to bed at 3:30 pm, and basically slept all the way through until 4 am Tuesday morning. I got up periodically for the obligatory check the teenager, feed the cats, hack my lungs up, and drink water thanks to the 4 week old scratchy throat that won’t go away.

It worked so well Monday, I figured I would try it Tuesday. Now it is Wednesday and I have been up since 12:something am. Still feeling good, but things may start to get ugly this afternoon. Now the dilemma is, go to church tonight, be extremely tired and likely not very pleasant, or stay home and do my best to NOT go to bed before 8 pm. It’s all up in the air. I will have to see how my day progresses.

And this has got to be the shittiest thing about depression…not wanting to do one single thing, and not caring that you don’t.

If it ain't one thing meme image