depression

All posts in the depression category

Waking Up Angry at the World…

Published July 12, 2017 by Angela

…or at least, everything in my small section of the world. I have been sleeping like crap, which is to be expected at day 6 of my journey to health. Honestly, I have been sleeping like crap for about 15 years, but now it just pisses me off way more than usual.

I am in such a foul mood that I can barely stand myself 😦 How bad is that? I can’t pinpoint one thing that has brought this on, but it certainly seems like many tiny, tiny little issues are just fueling the fires.

If I did not have meetings this afternoon, I would be at home, locked in my bedroom, safe from losing it on some poor innocent, unwitting person. Like my kids…..

Good Grief tomorrow had better NOT be like this….

 

Hello Monday; You Beautiful, Chaotic, Usually Most Hated Day of the Week!

Published July 10, 2017 by Angela

Day 4 is starting out good, considering I could not get to sleep last night, and did not want to get up this morning. I did so much yesterday, I feel like doing absolutely nothing today other than getting my work day done.

I have been going from having bursts of energy and feeling great, to flipping right to feeling depressed, angry, and wanting to do nothing but stay in bed all day. I am hoping as the days progress, and my body starts healing, this will happen less.

What I know more than anything is that I cannot have another setback. I do not ever want to feel like I felt two days ago. I keep going through this time-after-time, and I am truly and finally fed up with it. I know it will be tough, and a huge struggle, but I also know I can do this!

Patience meme

Patience is key. Patience is what I do not, and have never, had. This could be the toughest obstacle for me. I can get angry in the blink of an eye. I am not proud of it, but I certainly won’t sugar-coat it either.

angry meme

What do you do when you get fed up and prefer to not completely lose it on the person standing nearest to you?

Day Two Sucked…

Published July 9, 2017 by Angela

…so let’s see how day three goes. (so far so good, as I managed to get out of bed!) Yesterday I never got out of bed, except to of course get food/water, use the facilities, and I did make brownies for my girls. Boxed brownies, and if I hadn’t wanted some myself, that probably would not have happened either.

I watched a few seasons of Cheers, played Townsmen (I LOVE that game!) on my nook, and did a whole lot of nothing else.

Today I managed to hit the gym by 7:30 am for a 1/2 hour on the elliptical, went and got some pictures of some flowers at the school nearby, showered, and ordered groceries! I would say today has been a success, especially compared to yesterday…

Truth be told, I would love to climb into bed right now and stay there, but I do have an appointment this afternoon, so I am going to upload and edit my pictures, and do some much-needed cleaning.

I hope yesterday was the worst day I am going to have as I continue getting healthy, because it really, really sucked.

And here’s hoping that your Sunday is relaxing, calm, and everything you wish it to be!

Never My Good Day…

Published March 26, 2017 by Angela

…Sundays, that is. This day more than the others has always been a struggle for me. I am seriously waiting for my laundry to get done so I can go back to bed for the day. 

I have been a roller coaster of emotions for the past week+, and once again am being sucked into the dark hole of depression.

The worst part? I have no one to blame but myself. I brought it on myself this time. Or I guess I should say; again.

I have this ridiculous ability to take the best things in life and make sure I destroy it.

Feeling dark today; hoping tomorrow brings a ray of sunshine; no matter how small and dim.

Wishing all of you, my friends, a Blessed, relaxing Sunday!

I Give Up! Tomorrow is Officially My Day One!

Published March 18, 2017 by Angela

Yes; I just threw in the towel. When it can all go wrong in one day; it will for me.

Tomorrow is a new day. And I am saying piss off to so many things in my life. Just done. So many people trying to break me; but you can’t.

No one knows what I am going through; yes, because I keep it to myself. So from here on out; positive posts. and the rest of you, go to hell. Judge me all you want, but I will still only return love.

 

How is My Day 4 Going, You Ask?

Published March 15, 2017 by Angela

I am currently sitting at home, waiting for a plumber to show up and fix my flooded basement. Trying to keep it positive, but I had every intention of running some errands this afternoon, getting to church to help with the youth group, and going to the Lenten service.

It appears that none of this is going to happen……I have a sneaking suspicion of what it is going to cost to fix this mess; knowing what the issue is. At this point, I honestly do not care. I am tired of running into my basement every time someone turns on a faucet. I threw out so many books, pictures, clothes, and shoes that I cannot afford to do that one more time.

So for getting out of work early? Yay! The reason why? Boo.

Here is to tomorrow; but I will make the best of today, and unpack and clean as many things as I can!

So About Day Two of This Journey of Mine…

Published March 14, 2017 by Angela

…which was yesterday…. YIKES… good grief I have got to be stronger, more patient, slow down, open my ears, and close my mouth. I am not trying to feel discouraged that day 2 was a total bust, and that I should just go back to Day 1. Lesson(s) learned.

You Know You're Stressed 3-14-17

So my Day 3 is going better, and I am hoping for a quiet, uneventful night at home after I get out of work. This should be fairly simple to accomplish, as I intend on getting dinner on the way home from work, and doing absolutely nothing else besides reading or crosswords.

From my morning reading of “Hands Free Life”, by Rachel Macy Stafford:

“The next time you yearn to fill the spaces of your life and be all there, try using the visual image of physically removing the heavy clock from around your neck. Feel the weight being lifted off your chest as you give yourself permission to be in one place and one place only. Remind yourself these are the spaces where real living occurs and you have every right to devote time and attention to the most important spaces of life” (Stafford, 2015, pg. 42).

I know I have a very difficult time relaxing, especially when I see things around me that need to be done. I feel guilty when I am doing “nothing”, and I need to start seeing my down-time as when I can relax, recharge, and get myself balanced. It is okay to not get everything done at once.

I am sure I will be telling myself this every day for a very, very long time until I master this one task that seems so easy, yet is so very hard for me.

Day One of a New Journey

Published March 12, 2017 by Angela

I have been dealing with some personal issues of a magnitude that even those closest to me are not aware of. While it is not my intention to disclose these issues even now; it is my intention to finally fully own them, face them, and conquer them. 

My journey of raising daughters may be half over, but they will always be my daughters, no matter their stage in life. I also need to make sure I stop losing myself in the chaos and busyness of my life. I really do need to stop and smell the roses. Not occasionally when I make time; but to always make time to do just that. 

As I am in the back seat of my vehicle with 3 of my girls, going to spend the day with the fourth, I am reading a book that I think will truly help me on this journey. It is called “Hands Free Life” by Rachel Macy Stafford, and looks like the perfect book to start this new chapter of my life with; pun intended 😉