It may sound like a weakness, but for me, it seems to be the strongest thing I can ever do. I also need to be clear that this is not “giving up”! I believe admitting defeat, and giving up, are two very different things. Only by admitting defeat can I begin to heal and fix the things that are wrong in my life. When I don’t face the fact that I am defeated, I keep behaving in the same manner as I have been, which gets me absolutely no where besides back in the same spot I was the day before.
If I were giving up, I would not even be trying. I am trying. I am trying with everything I have, but I also know I cannot do this alone. God is and will continue to walk this journey with me in my life. Communicating with friends and family members brings comfort to my anxious heart, and lets them know what I am experiencing.
I have to embrace the one-day-at-a-time mentality, and it has to begin today. As I stated in an earlier blog post, I am really good at saying…”tomorrow; I’ll start tomorrow”, and how I am going to run out of tomorrows. So now it is my today. This day. My tomorrow’s now will consist of both fantastic days, and very difficult days. I know this, expect this, and embrace it. I have to. If I want to move forward, and start living the wonderful, beautiful life that God put me here for, I have to, and will, accept the bad right along with the good. I have many dreams that I want to accomplish in my life, and only by healing myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually will I accomplish this.
Maybe soon I will be brave enough to discuss my demons as well 😊
Pet Peeve #1 through a gazillion; and yes, it is the same one. Do NOT get in my personal space.
If you are behind me in a checkout lane;
1) climbing up my behind will not make a) the cashier move any faster, or b) the person they are checking out stop giving them their life story.
2) When I take two steps forward to get away from you, do not take three steps forward. It will not get you out the door faster, but it will get you talked to, by me, which I have done before, and will have to do again.
3) When I tell you to back up, just back up. Don’t look like you had no idea you were being completely rude and out of line. Honestly, I don’t know if you are lifting my debit card, pin, or just a crazy person…..
4) I am not dressed to the nines in Walgreens getting kitty litter and garbage bags. There is no reason you would find any need to think…”I gotta get to know this girl.”
That is all….
What is your worst pet peeve? For a person with anxiety, I know personally it does not take much more than this to set me off 😦
The downside is; coming home. I took my 2 youngest daughters to Frankenmuth, Michigan for the weekend, and I was not happy this morning when I had to start heading back home.
We had a great time, with lots of relaxing and shopping. My girls enjoyed Zehnder’s waterpark on Saturday. I sat by the pool all day, and managed to get sunburned even with a couple applications of sunscreen.
How is my stress level, you ask? My oldest daughter, who is getting married in October, let me know as I was leaving town Friday that the bridal store where we ordered six custom bridesmaid dresses filed bankruptcy, and locked their doors.
We are hoping they will give us our dresses, but are now planning B & C options since plan A is frozen with a bank. My other 3 daughters are bridesmaids, and I am hoping that since I paid for these dresses on a charge card I may have some recourse.
So that’s what’s going on. Below are some pictures of Frankenmuth!
…or at least, everything in my small section of the world. I have been sleeping like crap, which is to be expected at day 6 of my journey to health. Honestly, I have been sleeping like crap for about 15 years, but now it just pisses me off way more than usual.
I am in such a foul mood that I can barely stand myself 😦 How bad is that? I can’t pinpoint one thing that has brought this on, but it certainly seems like many tiny, tiny little issues are just fueling the fires.
If I did not have meetings this afternoon, I would be at home, locked in my bedroom, safe from losing it on some poor innocent, unwitting person. Like my kids…..
Day 4 is starting out good, considering I could not get to sleep last night, and did not want to get up this morning. I did so much yesterday, I feel like doing absolutely nothing today other than getting my work day done.
I have been going from having bursts of energy and feeling great, to flipping right to feeling depressed, angry, and wanting to do nothing but stay in bed all day. I am hoping as the days progress, and my body starts healing, this will happen less.
What I know more than anything is that I cannot have another setback. I do not ever want to feel like I felt two days ago. I keep going through this time-after-time, and I am truly and finally fed up with it. I know it will be tough, and a huge struggle, but I also know I can do this!
Patience is key. Patience is what I do not, and have never, had. This could be the toughest obstacle for me. I can get angry in the blink of an eye. I am not proud of it, but I certainly won’t sugar-coat it either.
What do you do when you get fed up and prefer to not completely lose it on the person standing nearest to you?
…so let’s see how day three goes. (so far so good, as I managed to get out of bed!) Yesterday I never got out of bed, except to of course get food/water, use the facilities, and I did make brownies for my girls. Boxed brownies, and if I hadn’t wanted some myself, that probably would not have happened either.
I watched a few seasons of Cheers, played Townsmen (I LOVE that game!) on my nook, and did a whole lot of nothing else.
Today I managed to hit the gym by 7:30 am for a 1/2 hour on the elliptical, went and got some pictures of some flowers at the school nearby, showered, and ordered groceries! I would say today has been a success, especially compared to yesterday…
Truth be told, I would love to climb into bed right now and stay there, but I do have an appointment this afternoon, so I am going to upload and edit my pictures, and do some much-needed cleaning.
I hope yesterday was the worst day I am going to have as I continue getting healthy, because it really, really sucked.
And here’s hoping that your Sunday is relaxing, calm, and everything you wish it to be!
Lately it seems like for every step forward, I am taking 4 steps backwards. I really wish that was an exaggeration, but sadly, it isn’t. I feel like everything is spinning out of control, and I am not sure when it started, and how to stop it. I always have great intentions, and feel fantastic that I am going to get my life on track. Then by day 3, I am totally off the rails again.
I really need to ask myself “What do I really want to do with myself, and my life”…and then just do it! Could it really be a fear of change that has me stuck in this place I can’t escape? Now I’m not talking anything crazy like leaving my job I’ve had for over 20 years (and yes, I really do love me job!) or uprooting myself and my kids and moving somewhere else. But I have more than enough time in a day (especially since I only get a couple hours sleep a night) to do many other things. Finish that book I started writing? Creating a new painting? Take a class somewhere? The options, and opportunities, are endless. If only I would take them.
I have finally reached the end of the road for homeschooling, Thank Goodness! I have been living 6 months in my new home, with 3 of my girls, 3 cats, a hamster, a rabbit, and some fish. Things are really going good in almost every aspect of my life…except for my self-image, and how I am taking care of myself not taking very good care of myself.
I really am my own worst enemy, and it needs to stop, and it is going to stop today. Maybe tomorrow or the next day I will find the courage to discuss exactly how I let my life go off the rails, but for now I am completely convinced that this day, July 7, 2017, is going to be my personal Independence Day. Independence from the negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.