Yeah; not. I was laughing as I wrote that just now. It has been quite some time since I have found any joy in being a parent. I am both physically and mentally exhausted from the daily arguments with my 13 year old about going to school. She is literally questioning me about why she cannot have a friend over today, yet her stomach hurts too bad to go to school? I’m not kidding; she has enough nerve to ask me something as crazy as that. I think I made it very clear that it will be Monday before she goes to her friends, her friends come over, or she has her phone.
Some days I seriously wonder how I ever made it this far. I am down to the last of four daughters, and this one may very well break me. I expected things to be so much more different than this. I was also the youngest of four children, and when I was the last one home, my Mom and I had a fantastic relationship. I don’t recall ever acting like this. Honestly if I had, I would not be here right now…
Do I love my daughter? Absolutely! My children are the most important things in my life, and I would do anything for any single one of them.
Do I love being a parent? Usually not. Does that make me a horrible person? Probably. Do I care? Not in the least. I have been raising daughters for 26 years, and most of that was done on my own. It has never been easy. Of course there are the moments of great joy and pride, and lots of them. But then there are days like today when I look at my 13 year old and can only think…”Did you seriously just ask me why your friend can’t come over when you are too sick to go to school?”
Who does that? She has nerve, I’ll definitely give her that. The wonderful moments certainly outweigh the crappy days like today, and that is what makes this journey worth it. If they didn’t, what would it all be for?
…after four days in the hospital I have now been home for 6 days. It has been going smoothly for the most part, except for Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday I had a slight breakdown and couldn’t stop crying. I’ve no idea what brought it on, but I got calmed down. Only to fall a little while later, which brought on breakdown # 2. I didn’t hurt my ankle at all, thank goodness, but I did pull some abdominal muscles. I was scared that I did something internally but iced it and it calmed down. Then Thursday I had another meltdown, which took awhile to get under control. When I left the hospital I was told to not take my daily meds until I talked to my doctor. Which means I have been off my Prozac for 6 days now, and am sure that is contributing to me being an emotional mess. I have a call in to my doctor to make sure I can start taking them again, but am still waiting for a call back.
My abdomen has been hurting all last night and this morning, and I am praying it does not get any worse before I get to the surgeons on Monday. If there is one thing I am good at, it is stressing myself out😔 Such as I have been stressing since I came home last Saturday about how I am safely going to get down the ramp my brother built to get to my appointment Monday. I do have a couple people lined up to be here along with my friend who is taking me, to make sure I safely get in the car.
I have been alone during the day while my 13 year old is at school, so I try to sleep to avoid needing to get up to use the bathroom more than is absolutely necessary. She has a half day today, as well as Monday and Tuesday. After my appointment Monday I will have a better idea of how my ankle is healing and will get confirmation that my abdomen is okay.
Puzzle books and documentaries have been getting me through, as well as a lot of conversations with God. I am so not used to being helpless like this, and when I get anxious prayer certainly helps calm me down. I have had friends bringing food as well as other things I need, and it amazes me the wonderful circle of friends I have.
My 13 year old has been beyond wonderful, and it brings tears to my eyes watching her be so caring of me and my needs. She messages me from school to see how I am doing as well as making sure I take my pills on time.
It is definitely the times of trials and hardships that you learn what you are made of!
I had to laugh when a co-worker who follows my book blog asked why I have a blog titled “Parenthood and Other Horror Stories”.
I think it speaks for itself 🙂
I think it is about time I focus this blog on my single-mom-of-four-daughters-works-full+ time-helps-everyone-else thing I got going on.
One daughter is out of the nest, and another about to be gone this week. But I have extra kids here due to their personal situations, and am trying to take care of everyone. I know I am not the only one who lives this type of life; but starting tomorrow, I am going to start letting you know what a typical day for me is.
Buckle your seat belts folks, it is gonna be a bumpy ride!
Day 4 is starting out good, considering I could not get to sleep last night, and did not want to get up this morning. I did so much yesterday, I feel like doing absolutely nothing today other than getting my work day done.
I have been going from having bursts of energy and feeling great, to flipping right to feeling depressed, angry, and wanting to do nothing but stay in bed all day. I am hoping as the days progress, and my body starts healing, this will happen less.
What I know more than anything is that I cannot have another setback. I do not ever want to feel like I felt two days ago. I keep going through this time-after-time, and I am truly and finally fed up with it. I know it will be tough, and a huge struggle, but I also know I can do this!
Patience is key. Patience is what I do not, and have never, had. This could be the toughest obstacle for me. I can get angry in the blink of an eye. I am not proud of it, but I certainly won’t sugar-coat it either.
What do you do when you get fed up and prefer to not completely lose it on the person standing nearest to you?
I did not sleep very well last night, and woke up with a very sore back. But my cat alerted me to the 4 deer in our front yard, and it was a wonderful site to see at such an early hour. I am grateful I was awake for it.
I have been grumbling for 5 days about a flooded basement in my new home. It is time to realize my good fortune, and be grateful that I had the ability as a single parent to buy this house for my family.
I wake up most mornings wishing I could sleep a little longer, and not have to go to work. But I will always be grateful for the wonderful job I have had for over 20 years, that has done so much for me, and provided for my family. Many are struggling to find full time employment that will support themselves and their families.
I’ve been spending months complaining about the 50 lbs of weight I have managed to gain over the last two years; yet I make no conscious effort to change that. I have a rowing machine being delivered tomorrow, and am grateful that I am able to exercise and get myself feeling better, and healthier.
I am grateful to have the choice to choose healthy food for myself and my family, when so many have little to no food at all. My cure all for everything that ails me? Honey with the comb, which fits great in these tiny Ball jars to take to work!
I am grateful for so many things every single day; but it is not often enough that I take inventory of those things.