Lately it seems like for every step forward, I am taking 4 steps backwards. I really wish that was an exaggeration, but sadly, it isn’t. I feel like everything is spinning out of control, and I am not sure when it started, and how to stop it. I always have great intentions, and feel fantastic that I am going to get my life on track. Then by day 3, I am totally off the rails again.
I really need to ask myself “What do I really want to do with myself, and my life”…and then just do it! Could it really be a fear of change that has me stuck in this place I can’t escape? Now I’m not talking anything crazy like leaving my job I’ve had for over 20 years (and yes, I really do love me job!) or uprooting myself and my kids and moving somewhere else. But I have more than enough time in a day (especially since I only get a couple hours sleep a night) to do many other things. Finish that book I started writing? Creating a new painting? Take a class somewhere? The options, and opportunities, are endless. If only I would take them.
I have finally reached the end of the road for homeschooling, Thank Goodness! I have been living 6 months in my new home, with 3 of my girls, 3 cats, a hamster, a rabbit, and some fish. Things are really going good in almost every aspect of my life…except for my self-image, and how I am taking care of myself not taking very good care of myself.
I really am my own worst enemy, and it needs to stop, and it is going to stop today. Maybe tomorrow or the next day I will find the courage to discuss exactly how I let my life go off the rails, but for now I am completely convinced that this day, July 7, 2017, is going to be my personal Independence Day. Independence from the negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
I am currently sitting at home, waiting for a plumber to show up and fix my flooded basement. Trying to keep it positive, but I had every intention of running some errands this afternoon, getting to church to help with the youth group, and going to the Lenten service.
It appears that none of this is going to happen……I have a sneaking suspicion of what it is going to cost to fix this mess; knowing what the issue is. At this point, I honestly do not care. I am tired of running into my basement every time someone turns on a faucet. I threw out so many books, pictures, clothes, and shoes that I cannot afford to do that one more time.
So for getting out of work early? Yay! The reason why? Boo.
Here is to tomorrow; but I will make the best of today, and unpack and clean as many things as I can!
I have been dealing with some personal issues of a magnitude that even those closest to me are not aware of. While it is not my intention to disclose these issues even now; it is my intention to finally fully own them, face them, and conquer them.
My journey of raising daughters may be half over, but they will always be my daughters, no matter their stage in life. I also need to make sure I stop losing myself in the chaos and busyness of my life. I really do need to stop and smell the roses. Not occasionally when I make time; but to always make time to do just that.
As I am in the back seat of my vehicle with 3 of my girls, going to spend the day with the fourth, I am reading a book that I think will truly help me on this journey. It is called “Hands Free Life” by Rachel Macy Stafford, and looks like the perfect book to start this new chapter of my life with; pun intended 😉
…felt very nice! I have been trying to keep myself in a positive mood, but this freezing cold, no sunshine Michigan weather is really unbearable. I really do not know if it is the dreary weather, or true-full-fledged-100% depression that is smacking me upside the face without ceasing.
I really can’t figure it out. What was going on last year at this time that I was so happy about, that is not going on this year? Everything feels the same. It all looks the same. I feel like I have less going on this year than I did last December, but maybe I am wrong. Since my spirits were unbelievably on the ‘up’ side, maybe I was more busy last year, but I just didn’t notice.
I balanced my checkbook this afternoon when I got home from work. I will worry about the -$360.00 tomorrow. (I have the money in there, but I divide my check on a weekly basis per how much each bill needs for a 4 week month. This is necessary when living on one income with no child support). I have some utilities with a credit this month, so I will juggle the money around tomorrow to get out of the red 🙂
My homeschooler fell asleep this afternoon, so she is nowhere near where she should be for today’s assignments. Which means after I clean the kitchen from dinner, her and I get to spend the rest of our (MY) night doing homework.
My goal for December is to find a way to enjoy it. To get to Church as much as physically possible. To lose about 15 of the 30 lbs I stress-ate for the last 3 months. And to NOT drink. Sad to say, after doing so well for so long, I already know that will be tougher than everything else put together.
What is supposed to be the ‘most wonderful time of the year’, can really suck sometimes. And I know it is not that way just for me. So many have a difficult time during the Christmas season. Who thought up that shit-assed saying anyhow? Most wonderful time of the year…..
For quite some time now, I have been praying for God to please help me with my patience. Okay. My lack of patience, which is generally a horrible problem for me. Most times I can cope fairly well, but when it is bad, it is really, really bad. When I seem to have 10 things to do and only time for 5, or I need to be in more than one place at the same time (this happens so much to me!), I get short on patience and long on anger.
Well of course I am going to have situations that test my patience, I keep asking God for just that thing. So since I am fully aware of what is going on, why can’t I deal with it better? Why can’t I take a deep breath, exhale, hold my tongue, and examine the situation for what it is? Take the situation in as a whole, divide it up into pieces, and work on one thing at a time, because that is really all any of us are capable of doing.
Instead, I immediately lose my patience, and Lord help anyone who is in the way of my words. I don’t yell or swear, but I certainly do not talk in a calm, helping manner. I feel mean, I feel upset that I can lose my cool that fast. I feel like this major character flaw I have is getting the best of me, at the worst of times. So, what do you do when you get exactly what you ask for?
Make the best of it. See it for what it is. An opportunity to improve, grow, change. To be a better you. To show a better you.
Don’t ask for something if you are not truly prepared to handle it. I am ready to handle it. In the worst situations, I can be at my best.