depression

All posts tagged depression

Between the Good Days and Bad Days

Published June 22, 2018 by Angela

Over the past month I have been rather successful using Weight Watchers to get my weight, and general well being, under control. My blood pressure has been an issue for about the last year, and a switch of medications seems to have helped. There were a couple weeks where it was consistently high, but eating mostly fresh fruits and vegetables and avoiding salt and processed foods has got it back under control. I have lost 11 lbs, and feel good about the 40-50 I have remaining to lose.

frazzled mom

 

I have been taking many supplements along with the numerous prescriptions I take for depression, anxiety, and high blood pressure, and they have definitely improved my mood. Yet, I will have a day that just seems to go completely to shit right from the get-go, and then my attitude sucks, my mood is down, and I struggle to stay focused on being healthy and taking care of myself. Instead of focusing on how well I have been doing, and feeling, I can only focus on why my life seems to be shit at that very moment.

It amazes me how quickly I can disregard all of the positive, and put all that energy into focusing on that one day where things just refuse to fall into place, cooperate, and just basically go my way, even if it is only a tiny bit.

Patience meme

I guess this is where I really need to work on my gratitude. Normally when I wake up every morning (after not sleeping well, which is another problem I need to address), I thank God for giving me another day to be a good person, to watch for opportunities to help others, and be grateful for all of the blessings I have in my life. My four healthy daughters, a successful career, a nice home and car, a great church family, and a few close friends. I truly am blessed with all of the things I have in my life, and definitely need to keep better stock of that.

I also get motivated to keep writing two books I started, work on some craft projects for my Etsy store, make improvements in my house and yard, but the motivation I wake up with does not seem to last me through the day. I get brilliant ideas for something to make for my store, but then I never seem to finish the projects I start.

After a trip to the medi center last night because my heart would not stop racing for a half hour, and fearing a possible interaction with a medication and something I ate, I figured better safe than sorry. Everything checked out great, even my blood pressure and heart rate, and the EKG. Then I just had to wait for the anxiety and panic to go away, and I did get “some” sleep.

Today is the day where I have got to start working on keeping my attitude-of-gratitude with me from the time I wake until the time I go to bed. Are bad things going to happen, and things are going to go wrong? Hell, yes! That is a normal occurrence in my life. What I cannot do is let it take away my gratefulness and happiness. I gotta say “Screw it! So what! Shit happens!” I cannot let it determine and control how the rest of my day will go.

This will definitely be a tough task for me to learn and master, but after that scare last night, this has to happen now. I’m getting older, not younger, and need to remind myself that the time to do the things I want to do is NOW, not tomorrow or the next day.

I am excited about having a vacation day off from work today so I can go to an estate sale! I have a couple specific things in mind that I want from the photos I saw, and I hope no one else is looking for those same items! I will definitely be there early so I can get in the door as soon as they open, and can only hope for some success today 🙂

How do you deal with things when it just starts to go downhill like an out-of-control bike with no brakes on it?

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Anxiety and Panic :-(

Published February 10, 2018 by Angela

Philipians 4 6 8

Since last night I have been fighting panic attacks. Hopefully after a talk with a 24-hour nurse, who assured me I could take my medication for anxiety since I have not taken a pain pill in 13 hours for my broken ankle, I did exactly that, and I should be feeling some relief soon. I will deal with the pain and not take the pain meds again; I cannot deal with the panic. Fingers crossed that this is enough to help me cope and get back to feeling normal again. Well, as normal as possible being on bed rest, still, with a broken ankle.

What I’ve Been Up To While Stuck on Bedrest…

Published January 26, 2018 by Angela

…after four days in the hospital I have now been home for 6 days. It has been going smoothly for the most part, except for Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday I had a slight breakdown and couldn’t stop crying. I’ve no idea what brought it on, but I got calmed down. Only to fall a little while later, which brought on breakdown # 2. I didn’t hurt my ankle at all, thank goodness, but I did pull some abdominal muscles. I was scared that I did something internally but iced it and it calmed down. Then Thursday I had another meltdown, which took awhile to get under control. When I left the hospital I was told to not take my daily meds until I talked to my doctor. Which means I have been off my Prozac for 6 days now, and am sure that is contributing to me being an emotional mess. I have a call in to my doctor to make sure I can start taking them again, but am still waiting for a call back.

My abdomen has been hurting all last night and this morning, and I am praying it does not get any worse before I get to the surgeons on Monday. If there is one thing I am good at, it is stressing myself out😔 Such as I have been stressing since I came home last Saturday about how I am safely going to get down the ramp my brother built to get to my appointment Monday. I do have a couple people lined up to be here along with my friend who is taking me, to make sure I safely get in the car.

I have been alone during the day while my 13 year old is at school, so I try to sleep to avoid needing to get up to use the bathroom more than is absolutely necessary. She has a half day today, as well as Monday and Tuesday. After my appointment Monday I will have a better idea of how my ankle is healing and will get confirmation that my abdomen is okay.

Puzzle books and documentaries have been getting me through, as well as a lot of conversations with God. I am so not used to being helpless like this, and when I get anxious prayer certainly helps calm me down. I have had friends bringing food as well as other things I need, and it amazes me the wonderful circle of friends I have.

My 13 year old has been beyond wonderful, and it brings tears to my eyes watching her be so caring of me and my needs. She messages me from school to see how I am doing as well as making sure I take my pills on time.

It is definitely the times of trials and hardships that you learn what you are made of!

I don’t Know What the Hell I Expected…

Published November 15, 2017 by Angela

…eventually going to bed at 3:30 pm in the afternoon will have me waking up for my day before 1 am… still not sorry though

Monday I went to bed at 3:30 pm, and basically slept all the way through until 4 am Tuesday morning. I got up periodically for the obligatory check the teenager, feed the cats, hack my lungs up, and drink water thanks to the 4 week old scratchy throat that won’t go away.

It worked so well Monday, I figured I would try it Tuesday. Now it is Wednesday and I have been up since 12:something am. Still feeling good, but things may start to get ugly this afternoon. Now the dilemma is, go to church tonight, be extremely tired and likely not very pleasant, or stay home and do my best to NOT go to bed before 8 pm. It’s all up in the air. I will have to see how my day progresses.

And this has got to be the shittiest thing about depression…not wanting to do one single thing, and not caring that you don’t.

If it ain't one thing meme image

This Black Hole of Depression

Published November 13, 2017 by Angela

It has been a week since the time change, and it now gets dark before 5:30 pm. Already I am dealing with the effects of a lack of sun in my life.

Add on top of it, issues with kids, the upcoming holidays that I wish would just bypass me, and health issues, and I am a big ball of mess. I already know as soon as I get home from work, I am heading straight to bed. What’s even worse? I could not care less. I’m curling up under my blankets with my two nekkid kitties and binge watching documentaries.

Benny and Franklin 3

Benjamin (grey cat) & Franklin 

I hope I can shake this craptastic fucking thing that is overwhelming me right now, but until something lets loose for me, it is going to be a long, miserable Winter season. I try to spend as much time at all of my church activities because it definitely helps.

Do you have a sure-fire way to deal with this type of depression? If so, I would love to hear it!

fin

Sometimes You Just Need To Get Away!

Published July 16, 2017 by Angela

The downside is; coming home. I took my 2 youngest daughters to Frankenmuth, Michigan for the weekend, and I was not happy this morning when I had to start heading back home.

We had a great time, with lots of relaxing and shopping. My girls enjoyed Zehnder’s waterpark on Saturday. I sat by the pool all day, and managed to get sunburned even with a couple applications of sunscreen.

How is my stress level, you ask? My oldest daughter, who is getting married in October, let me know as I was leaving town Friday that the bridal store where we ordered six custom bridesmaid dresses filed bankruptcy, and locked their doors.

WHAT???

We are hoping they will give us our dresses, but are now planning B & C options since plan A is frozen with a bank. My other 3 daughters are bridesmaids, and I am hoping that since I paid for these dresses on a charge card I may have some recourse.

So that’s what’s going on. Below are some pictures of Frankenmuth!

Waking Up Angry at the World…

Published July 12, 2017 by Angela

…or at least, everything in my small section of the world. I have been sleeping like crap, which is to be expected at day 6 of my journey to health. Honestly, I have been sleeping like crap for about 15 years, but now it just pisses me off way more than usual.

I am in such a foul mood that I can barely stand myself 😦 How bad is that? I can’t pinpoint one thing that has brought this on, but it certainly seems like many tiny, tiny little issues are just fueling the fires.

If I did not have meetings this afternoon, I would be at home, locked in my bedroom, safe from losing it on some poor innocent, unwitting person. Like my kids…..

Good Grief tomorrow had better NOT be like this….